Tattered and Torn

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 19:26:05 GMT

i keep forgetting to update...umm...things are somewhat getting better...the past week matt has been extremely nice to me...i've actually been kinda mad at him but i havent said anything to him...sorta...i'm pissed b/c he was supposed to hang out with me on new years and he didnt, i guess he forgot but it doesnt surprise me....beer is so much more important than me....i spent that night crying and being mizerable and i was telling everyone i wasnt going out with him anymore, and i regret saying that...i try not to get mad b/c a while back he said that he didnt want to go out with me and worry about me getting mad everytime he did something...but honestly i dont know whats so good about doing it anyway...its stupid and theres no piont.my christmas vacation was the worst vacation of my life...christmas was boring, my uncle died. matts parents said that he wasnt allowed to see me anymore...but whatever....i cant even hang out with my friends b/c he thinks all the guys like me, and they dont...it kinda seems like he wants me all to himself and it gets me mad...i love my friends and i love matt too, but it seems like he trying to control me, and i am getting upset b/c of it.i sit home and do nothing all day and he expects me to just kinda wait for him i guess...ever since i've been going out with him i havent done much of anything with past friends and i feel bad b/c i was close with a lot of people and i cant keep up...fuck it i'm mizerable and i cant do anything about it.

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 22:05:04 GMT

First off i am gonna say....yes there are things in this journal that seem mean in a way...the only reason i say a lot of it is because i'm either pissed off or upset...i feel bad now b/c i sed shit about my boy/f, well i was kinda being an asshole about everything.In the beginning i thought it was some what of a joke between all the bullshit i heard about him.I dont really care anymore, just like i dont care about a lot of things anymore.People never change and some just get more immature as the days go by.It makes me sick how everyone judges you by the way you look or how people can be your best friend on minutes and talk about you just because your mad at another friend...they think you "talk shit", apparently they dont know what talking shit is.The bullshit with people in school is getting to a point where i am close to snapping at someone, i dont want to and i really cant afford to be in any more trouble then i have been in before.I love how people dont know what they are talking about most of the time anyways.and if the whole world is reading this, go ahead, talk all you want about me, its nothing new, your just making yourself look like a scumbag.ANYWAYS...umm the past week i guess has been alright, nothing new really, same old school bullshit.I hung out with matt yesterday after school, we went to the mall and other than that we did pretty much nothing.I have been pissed as hell all day today because ashley is talking about nina , danielle and amanda are supposively talking about me, but i think its sad how none of them can say it to my fucking face.The only thing that makes me happy seems like he's slipping away some how, i feel weird lately and i have no idea why.the only time i am actually happy is when i am with him but then again i feel so miserable b/c of everything going on.I love matt so much and he makes me so happy, i just think i am not good enough for him or he doesnt like me, but i always tell myself he wouldnt be with me if he didnt like me or care about me. that seems right.I wish i could tell him straight out without feeling shy or nervous around him how i feel.I love him more than anything in this world and i would never trade what we have for anything.He is my world and i love him with all my heart.....

Mon, 08 Nov 2004 16:48:12 GMT

i havent updated in a while...last night i went to go see "the Used"...it was a really good show except for the fact that you couldnt breathe at all....i guess me and matt are doing better. i caled him yesterday but he didnt seem interested in talking ot me so i told him i had to go.i dont understand him a lot of the time but oh well...i wish he would talk to me...i've been over tony's alot lately...i dont think me and amanda are friends anymore for some stupid reason, but oh well, i'm not gonna stress over it...everything is finally moving with building our new house.ummmm...oh yeah supposively matt ius friends with michelle van cunt again, which pisses me off b/c the girl is a slut and a tribling whore.me and matt went like 2 weeks ago to see a movie "saw", it was pretty damn good....besides the normal shit nothing else is new...whatever i'm bored....later

Sun, 17 Oct 2004 23:35:50 GMT

last sunday matt came over, i was kinda sleeping but oh well i wanted to see him and i missed him.He was so sweet to me....we hung out on monday too, i had fun i guess it wasnt bad...i skipped forth on i think it was wednsday with monique, i was so happy to her i havent seen her in a long time...i had fun...i skipped again on friday too but she was suspended...hmm....friday night i was over cindy's matt dropped me off after school....i stayed until matt got off work and then later on he went to amandas with me...we just chilled out for a while, colin came over and some shit happened or something, but later on we walked colin back to kelseys....we walked back then matt left...me and amanda went to sleep at like 2 or something....she woke up mad early to go take her psat's or something...umm.....i got up took a shower and got dressed. She had to go to work so i went back over cindy's and we went shopping we went shopping on friday night too....hmm...matt went over after work i went back to his house with him so he could change and his older brother was there...he's cool i guess didnt really find out much. matt and i stayed for about an hour and a half then went back over cindy's.my sister was a bitch and didnt drive me home so matt did....i hate making him drive me hom its kindafar...but i love him...the things he does for me *smiles*...anyway...i've done nothing today.i've tryed calling matt he wasnt home...no surprise though...last night he told me he took off on halloween but then his friend pat is going to throw a party...no way in fuckin hell am i going to a party with matt on a day were i want to just hang out with him....not like 20 other people b/c i know whats going to happen....he's gonna ignore me...but fuck em'...whatever i'll hang out with my friends and be miserable.....yeah right now i am talking to jorel and mark...i havent talked to mark in a while...we were so close and shit just kinda got fucked up and it sucked so bad....we were getting so close and i was really happy....but everyone had changed and as for me, i changed for the worse...yeah you know what i mean....anyway i am bored...i'm out...later

Matt i love you so much but i just wish you could understand me and the way i am....

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 13:14:19 GMT

i talked to matt last night on the phone...i got a few things out that i needed to but i dont think thats even good enough of an excuse for him to stop drinking and what not.He didnt seem to care to much, na di told him it once before, but he sed he didnt remember so that just proves he doesnt listen to one thing i say.i'm really confused on this on, but whatever...i wanna go back to school i'm so bored and theres nothing to do.I'm supposed to be hanging out with jorel on friday night if i can...i'm gonna try to get amanda to go with me maybe we'll go to the mall or something.saturday i am supposed to be going out to dinner or something with sean...i cant wait i havent seen him in almost a year....i dont know what happened we're still close friends but not as close as we used to be..i miss him and i miss alaina....well anyway i'm gonna eat breakfast, be back a little later...<3

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 22:16:49 GMT

well i finished my hair its light brown for another week or so.i've been sick the past few days, i went to the emergency room saturday night...wasnt fun...they did some tests...my neck and throat was swollen up so big i couldnt swallow or barely breathe.Amanda was there...that was so fucking weird...i sware i am always with that girl...we were in the hospital together...lol...anyways...the night before all this happened i went to tonys...matt sed he was going to be there and i was so looking forward to seeing him and talking to him cuz i hadn't seen him in 2 days.he finally showed up with asshole, but of corse he was drinking before so i wanted nothing to do with him but i just kept on hugging him anyway cuz i missed him...i knew he was drinking if he was with jaime. i'm not dumb and neither is anyone else...i was so pissed even before he got back to the house...me and tony went for a walk to the park and talked i told him the bad thing, which i promised i would never tell anyone again.Everyone tells me i should talk to matt but i dont feel like having him get mad at me and everything just falling apart...even though sometimes it feels like it already is.I love matt so much i barely explain it, but sometimes i think that drinking and his truck are the world to him...maybe they are...i just dont care...but i wish he would pay attention to me a little more...i'm the kid of person who needs attention from their boy/f.i went ot the doctors yesterday i have a throat infection, they put me on the mother load of medication..lol...i think i am going back to school tomorrow...i hope so...i hate missing my work...i always fall behind....then fail...tomorrow after school i think i am going to tonys, i havent been there in a few days....anyway i'm out for the day...later

matt drozdowicz...i love you baby :)

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 23:32:22 GMT

anyway back to where i was before...i just did my hair and i look like shit...on top of that b/c my hair doesnt look right and my mom was yelling at me b/c i'm "stupid" and i shouldn't have dyed my hair in the firts place....the whole time for like 2 hours she was criticizing me...i feel like shit, and i'm embarassed to go to school...i'm confused about the whole matt thing...apparently he doesnt know me and why it bothers me so much...but whatever...let him do what he wants..i'll just sit here and keep my mouth shut in my mizery...i cant keep letting myself get upset over him...i thoguht i was supposed to be happy all time...and supposively in his words its a stupid thing to get mad over...yet he gets mad at me for stupid shit too...whatever...i'm gonna be myself from now on..people arent gonna like... but fuck them...i dont need anyone but myself....i've also been thinking about a certian something...and i'm gonna go through with it soon...anyway...i'm bored...later

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 20:10:15 GMT

okay...soo i'm really mad i wanna break up with my boy/f, but i cant b/c i love him too much...i promised myself i wouldnt cry over him anymore but he told me he went to a party again and we all know what that means...anyway..i'll be back later

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 20:37:59 GMT

i havent updated in a while...nothing has really changed...schools the same as last year...i just moved to seaside for 4 months and i hate it...with a passion...i think matt doesnt like me anymore and he's going to break up with me...i feel like shit...i came home from school today crying my eyes out...i feel like no one cares about me anymore...i want all these good things to happen but i know they never will...i need money asnd no way of getting it....everything right now sux like you wouldnt believe...anyway...i'm tired, bored and upset....later....

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 05:33:54 GMT

i'm talking to matt on the phone right now...i'm so worried about everyhting when schoool starts. i dont wanna fuck things up...he says nothing bad will happen but i can never be sure about anything...whatever...later

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 00:47:52 GMT

i had a happy day...lol...i hung out with matt b/c i havent seen him in 3 days.he called me at 1:30 in the morning and we talked until 4:30...i was so happy talking to him...we were actually talking to each other...i've reliezed how much i love him over the summer...he's so good to me, it makes me incredibly happy...i would never think about leaving him, and if we ever separated, i would feel like i lost everything, and i wouldnt be able to handle it...i love him so much, words cannot express what i feel for him.He is my everything, and he's so perfect.i wanna spend the rest of my life with him, and i hope the chances of that happening are high...anyway...i'm bored...so i'll write more later...

matt i love you

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 05:22:04 GMT

i'm bored, and some fag has been iming my sister for the psat 2 mights being an inmature fuck and annoying the shit out of her...anyway i am on the phone with matt and i am really bored....whatever...later

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 20:11:50 GMT

well i havent really written anything in a while...i'm doing good though...i've been hanging out with matt and talking to him a lot more...school starts on wednesday, and i move on the 10th.i'm getting really sick and worn out from doing everything lately...i'm kinda stressed...in a way i want school to start but i have to focus on school work and mot so much my friends....or at least thats what my mom says...anyways...i'm gonna go and get ready to go out...later

matt i love you

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 17:10:09 GMT

well i'm bored again thats why i am writing another entry...i cant' type with stupid nails on...there is nothing to do in florida...the hurricane and shit didnt hit last night...i miss matt...i think he gets out if the hospital tomorrow...hopefully he'll call me...i'm worried about him...anyway...i'm just bored...later

matt i love you

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 02:35:09 GMT

i havent updated in a while...i am in florida with amanda..everythung so far has kinda gotten fucked up.we are really bored...its always raining...hurricanes and tornados everywhere.we're leaving on monday if your flight is not delayed...1 week earlier than planned.so far me and amanda got our nails done, went swimming in th pool and hot tub, and went to the movies too see ancorman...amanda just screamed b/c there was a baby frog on the floor and i just picked ut up and threw it outside.matt is in the hospital and feel so bad b/c i cant visit him there...he got surgery on his hand...i feel like shit...i miss him more than anything...before he left amandas on saturday u cried after i shut the door...god i love him so much...anways i am tired...later

matt i love you so much

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 17:38:15 GMT

i went over amandas yesterday for a while.shes so weird...but i love her.i was so depresses last night and i still am...i don't know what to do...talking to people seems to get me no where....i wiehg 95 pounds again...which makes me feel even more discusting....whatever....

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 14:42:57 GMT

What would you say if I asked you not to go To forget everyone forget everything and start over with me Would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go And now the stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them why does hello feel like goodbye These memories can't replace These wishes I wish and dreams I chase Take this broken heart and make it right I feel like I've lost everything when your gone Left remembering what its like To have you here with me I thought you should know Your not making this easy I never thought I'd be the one to say "Please don't, please don't leave me" Take my hand and never let me go Take my hand and never let me go Promise me You'll never let go Make this last forever

-matchbook romance "promise"-

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 03:44:47 GMT

Right now i am sick of a lot of shit. I've been thinking about a lot...even school starting and how much everything is going to become fucked up all over again...it might be better to just end somethings now so that way i wont get hurt so bad in the long run. But who the fuck cares as usual....i fucked up big time already...pretty much all of my life...why not the rest of it...

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 17:23:07 GMT

4 days left till me and amanda leave!!!...yeah boi!...lol...

i'm bored again....

i love matt....*smiles*

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 03:47:57 GMT

I'm starting to feel like shit.I wanna go to florida so bad, but i don't wanna leave matt...thats the only person i am going to be thinking about when i am there.I'm going to be all depressed and upset because i can't be with him.I love him to death.Lately everything seems to be different between me and him, i get all freaked out in my mind about it.I don't want us to break up, and i hope we never do...i can't even express in words how much this kid means to me.we're supposed to be hanging out on saturday, and hopefully we do...i wanna leave for florida knowing that i had a really good time with him.It would make me so happy to spend a day with him before i go.This is so weird for me, i dont know what to do...i'm upset...i wanna hang out with him tomorrow night but he's going to a show, so thats out of the question...oh well...i'm tired....later..

matt i love you

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 18:25:09 GMT

hmm..lets see...today is boring so far...i might go and hang out with michelle soon.i tried calling matt because his phone isnt working...i miss him...hopefully he'll go to tony's later so i at least get to see him for a few minutes.5 more days until i go to florida.i'm a little scared about being on the plane.i hop nothing bad happens....anyway....i'm bored...later..

matt i love you

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 04:08:32 GMT

what do amanda and stephy-poo talk about 12 am in the morning?.....

slipknot51104: cindy your tv's leaking
Sweetti2b16: hahah ill never tell
slipknot51104: haha
slipknot51104: matt
slipknot51104: look guys i can swim......*drowns trying to dogging paddle*
slipknot51104: 7 days...till florida
slipknot51104: ha....7 days......
slipknot51104: yo i really have no life

Mon, 02 Aug 2004 00:30:21 GMT

I LOVE MATTHEW DROZDOWICZ MORE THAN ANYTHING! HE'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME! :)

MATT I LOVE YOU!

....i'm bored....:)

Sun, 01 Aug 2004 17:28:53 GMT

Sweetti2b16: brb got to piss like a pregnant woman
....i LOVE amanda..lol

the past couple of days i have been feeling better about everything.I got to hang out with matt the past 2 days for a little bit.I had fun being with him.i'm so happy when i am with him.i asked him if we are going to hang out before i leave for florida, he sed we would and i hope that happens.i want to have a good time with him before i leave so i wont be so upset.i'm gonna miss him so much.I love him more than anything.He's the best thing that ever happened to me.I might go a show tih him in a few days if he really wants me to go.lol...well anyway i am bored...later...

matt i love you

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 04:57:27 GMT

ahhh....oh my god i love matt so much.i went over michelle's and we went to tony's house.Me, michelle, jaime, and tony all went to the park and i watched the guys skateboard....i was talking to jaime about matt....i was so going to cry...i did after a while...but....oh my god i love matt so much and i wish i could tell him this right now....i am in so much relief its amazing...i love him...oh my god.I dont care about the whole him not calling me...i mean he's a teenager and has things to do...i just want him to know how much i love him and how much he means to me and i would die before letting him go out of my life...he's the world to me.i love him so much...theres no words to explain it.i couldnt stop staring at him i was so amazingly happy to see him...all i wanted to do was hug and kiss him the whole time i was with him...i missed him so much....i dont know how i am going to live without home for over 2 weeks.he's my everything....i love him sooooo much....*sighs*....anyways...i'm going to bed....at least now i'm happy going to sleep...*smiles*...

Matt i love you so much there are no words to explain how much i mean this.....I LOVE YOU!!!!